What Princess Tutu Characters would NEVER say
by band geeks are hot
Summary: Silly crackish fic that popped into my head when I was typing a chapter for my other story. You'll be shocked!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello. This idea formed into my head a number of times, including when I was creating the eighth chapter of Dirty Little Secret, which I am happy to inform is finished and published mwahahahahahahahahahaha. Hope you enjoy this!**

**Disclaimer : I do not own Princess Tutu, betch.**

**Warning : Extreme OOC, some mature commetns, and the essence of pure crack in this fic!**

Now presenting : What Princess Tutu characters would NEVER say

Starting with : Ahiru!

"I'm in love with Fakir, Mytho's a pussy."

"Screw ballet, I wanna be a karate champion!"

"I think I **WILL** marry Mr. Cat today..."

"I'm not helping these pathetic punks who have life problems, I've got my own dammit!"

"Mytho can find his heart himself, what am I, his guardian angel?"

"Drossylmeyer is my homeboy."

"I want to be a duck forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and-"

"Ballet is for wimps."

"Kraehe's a clingy witch with self identity problems."

"Princess Tutu's such a gay name."

"I'd rather DIE than to be wearing a tutu."

" (letting out streams of curses too colorful to type) "

"I hate Mytho. I REALLY hate him."

"I want Fakir to be the father of my children!"

"Why do ballet when I can dance with my DDR machine at home?"

End!

**Sorry for Rue fans, that wasn't a strike against her, it was something I thought Ahiru would never say about her since she's always kind to her, and always refers to her as 'Rue'.**

**Next chapter will have Fakir!**

**Hope you liked it!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello. Hope you enjoy this chapter of my crack-like fic!**

**Disclaimer: do not own Princess Tutu**

**Warning : Extreme OOC and crack**

Presenting : What Princess Tutu Characters would NEVER say Chapter Two

Now with : Fakir!

"I'm a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie woooooorld! (continues singing)"

"I love you all!"

"I'm going to make Ahiru my wifey! Then Rue my wifey! AND ALL THE GIRLS WILL BE MY WIFEYS!"

"I must be emo."

"Mytho's a whimp he can't fend for himself, the moocher."

"Mr. Cat is soooooooo dreamy!"

"Those shoes are MINE, betch!!!"

"I like watching Mytho sleep at night!"

"My goal in life is to become friends with every single person I meet!"

(This is whenever he sees Drossylmeyer)

"I LOVE YOU GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANDPA!!!!!!!!"

"Screw being a knight, Imma be a pimp bitchez!"

"But, I don't want to be a knight! I want to sing! And DAAAAA-AAAA-AAAANCE!"

"I'm going to write a novel about how much you people suck." (referring to the people of Kinkan)

"Rue is my BEST friend foreva!!!"

"Sex is good for the soul."

**Hope you enjoyed it! Next chapter will have Mytho! Sequel possibly? Maybe! After I finish off the characters though.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello. Hope you enjoyed the last two, and any comments or ideas, please review them! Chances for a sequel are somewhat high.**

**Disclaimer : I do not own Princess Tutu.**

**Warning : Extreeeeeme OOc and mucho crack in this chapter**

Presenting : What the Princess Tutu Characters would NEVER say

Now with : Mytho!

"I'm going to KICK your **ASS**."

"I hate you all...(a lot)."

"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt-"

"Prince? No, f--- that, I'm gonna be a doctor!"

"I don't like Rue. Nope, no, not at all..." (hiding Rue shrine behind him)

"I want to rape Ahiru."

"I'm not wearing underwear todaaaaaaay!" (...you may expect him to say this actually...)

"I don't want to regain my heart...I want WORLD DOMINATION!"

"I hate Princess Tutu's guts."

"Fakir has anger issues and has a habit of watching me sleep every night...I need a new roommate _STAT_."

"I want to be a raven too!"

"Rue stalking, AWAAAAAAAAAAY!"

"Hey Ahiru, come here for a sec...uhm...I've got candy!"

"I wish I had a robot death monkey."

"I don't need Princess Tutu, I can buy pieces of my heart for 50 off at WALMART!"

**That's it for this chapter! Review please. You don't have to. But anybody who liked it, try to remember please!**

**And for those who felt like they wasted their life...uhm...sorry!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Here is Rue's chapter now! Forgot to mention it in the last chapter. My bad. Hope you like it.**

**Disclaimer : I seriously do not own Princess Tutu, I will NOT open the door for cops or attorneys.**

**Warning : extreme OOC as usual.**

Presenting : What the Princess Tutu Characters would NEVER say

Now with : Rue!

"I don't want to be a raven, I want to be a FLAMINGOOOOO!" (laughs maniacally and dyes hair pink)

"The Prince can die. I'm REALLY in love with Autor though."

"Fakir is like, my best friend ever!"

"I don't know what you people been smoking on, but my name is Adrianna, Rue and Kraehe are figments of your imagination."

"I think my best friend Fakir is Princess Tutu. **Really**."

"Ahiru, let's go shopping!"

"I hate ballet. Soccer is more of my thing, actually."

"Mytho and I have something we call a relationSHIT."

"I'm a fairy princess!"

"Like, Oh My Gahd, did you see her hair the other day? I was like 'Honey, please the 70's are _OVER_!' and, like, she totally flipped out and like, called me a betch! I was like 'Oh no you **DID NOT**!' and I totally kicked her ass, and then she-ooh I think I chipped my nail!"

"Let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you and me-" (this is only a song, don't be alarmed)

"I'm going to kill you in the FACE."

"Me and the flamingos are gonna take over the world. **_Screw_** ravens."

"I need a restraining order against Mytho - he's such a stalker!"

"I want to marry Femio!"

"Can you believe I was put in therapy for a supposed 'Multiple Personality Complex'?"

**Not sure who to do now unless it be Mr. Cat, any ideas or advice just send them in a review please!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi! I'm glad people like this story so far! I will be busy in August but I'll try to squeeze in smoe time! Meanwhile have fun with Mr. Cat in this chapter!**

**Disclaimer : I do not own Princess Tutu and I won't be opening doors for cops and/or attorneys.**

**Warning : Major OOC always**

Presenting : What Princess Tutu Characters would NEVER say

Now with : Mr. Cat!

"Sorry I'm late class, I just had to settle another divorce."

"Me? Marry_ Ahiru_? You must be out of your mind!"

"Ballet is for chumps, I don't know WHY these brats want to learn it."

"SHE WILL WEAR YOU OUT, LIVIN DA VIDA LOOOCAAAAAA!" (...can't be too sure on this one)

"My greatest dream is not to dance...it is...to become a **DOG**."

"Meow mix meow mix chicken liver meow mix meow mix please deliver!"

"HELP! I CAN'T FIND MY LITTER BOX! DAMN YOU FRESH SCOOP! **DAMN YOOOOOOOOOU!"**

"Marry my students? Egad, what do you think I am, a pedophile?"

"These brats think they can do anything just because they 'know' the 'arts of ballet'. ALL ART IS USELESS! **Remember that**."

"They see me rollin' they hatin' partollin' tryin to catch me riiiding dirty."

"You can't text message break-up!"

"WHY THE HELL CAN I WALK AND TALK AS A CAT AND END UP TEACHING THESE FUTURE COLLEGE DROP OUTS HOW TO DANCE WHEN I COULD BE TAKING OVER THE WORLD?!?!!?!?!

"You know, if you stand in the street, you're going to get run over."

"Let's go to the mall today!!!"

"Didn't I tell you? I'M GAY!"

**End! Hope you thought it was enjoyable or funny, please keep reviewing and I'll be busy in the first two weeks of August so I won't be able to update! Next time, I'm doing Drossylmeyer XD.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi! I'm glad people like this story so far! I will be busy in school.**

**Disclaimer : I do not own Princess Tutu at all**

**Warning : Major OOC always D**

**Presenting : What Princess Tutu Characters would NEVER say**

**Now with : Drossylmeyer!**

"If I could control the world with my writing, I could prevent President Lincoln from getting shot!"

"...And they lived happliy ever after!"

"Writing? I'd much rather be a doctor than try making poor man's money! I'd starve!"

"My part time job is writing lyrics for Kelly Clarkson."

"I LOVE YOU GREAT GREAT GRANDSON!" (to Fakir of course)

"I always hate sad endings..."

"Bedtime stories are for bratty sugar-high kids, ESPECIALLY fairy-tales."

"If I can come back to life, be able to warp time and reality, why the **HELL** would I want to write about a duck and ballerinas?!? I could take over the **WORLD** for pete's sake!"

"Let's have some cookies and milk!"

"I dress rather fashionably if I do say so myself."

"I'M A PIRATE!"

"Tragedy is repetitive and boring."

"Oh dear me! Days of Our Lives is on! Up, up, and AWAAAAAAAAAAY!" (Ahiru : ...what the hell...?)

"My favorite character in my story is Mr.Cat! I wish he'd marry me!"

"...A story with a BALLERINA in it? That's just gay and retarted...I'm going to write a **war** story, thank you."

**End! Hope you thought it was enjoyable or funny, please keep reviewing and I'll be busy in school so Dirty Little Secret will have to wait a bit longer... (sobs)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi! I'm glad people like this story so far! I will be busy in school.**

**Disclaimer : I do not own Princess Tutu at all**

Warning : Major OOC always D

Presenting : What Princess Tutu Characters would NEVER say

Now with : The Monster Raven!

"I want to bring world peace!"

"I wish...that I...was a **flamingo**..."

"I LOVE YOU MY DAUGHTER!!!"

"Oh My God, I can't wait until your wedding Rue, I'm gonna help you pick out a dress, get you some nice shoes, and ohhh we need a good caterer, what color do you want the table napkins cream or ivory?????"

"The Prince? Marry you? Mmm-mmm you're too good for him gurlfriend!"

"I wonder if they have a sale on sundresses at WALMART today..."

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens. Brown paper pacakges tied up with strings. These are a few of my faaaavorite things!"

"Damn! My feathers are all ruffled! Hairspray doesn't work as well as it used to."

"Rue, would you like a cupcake! Daddy made them special!" (wearing frilly pink apron)  
"Kraehe..." (Kraehe : Yes father?) "You know I'm kind of big and all, always surrounding the canvas with my dark mass and big claws?" (Kraehe : Yes...) "...Does that mean I'm **FAT**?" (Kraehe : ...)

"You know when I was your age, I starred in the movie 'The Birds'!"

"All you need is love..."

"Hmm...it's about time I go watch DAYS OF OUR LIVES with Drossylmeyer now..." (flies away)

"Kraehe...how would you like a DOUBLE WEDDING?" (Krahe : What...?) "Well, you marry the Prince while I marry **Mr. Cat**!!!" (Kraehe : ...)

"Why doesn't Princess Tutu come and visit me? We could all eat cookie dough and watch chick-flicks!" (Kraehe : ...)

**End**!


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi! I'm glad people like this story so far! I will be busy in school.**

**Disclaimer : I do not own Princess Tutu at all**

**Warning : Major OOC as usual...**

Presenting : What Princess Tutu Characters would NEVER say

Now with : uzura!

"I'm not being mean, you're just being pussy, zura."

"Bitch!"

"Shit what was it again...mura...bakura...yura...bura-bura...ah dammit!"

"Oh My **God**, I killed Duck, zura!"

"Rape time, zura!"

"I wonder if they have a machine gun lying around anywhere here in Kinkan, zura..."

"Mytho shouldn't be Prince, zura. He should be known as the artist formerly known as Prince, zura!"

"Damn! Someone took the last cookie from the cookie jar, zura!"

"Get this damned drum off me, zura!"

"I think I'm emo, zura! I have no parents, I have make-up on my face, my gender can confuse people, and I play drums...very emo-like if you ask me, zura!"

"If I'm hanging out with someone as old as Drossylmeyer, is he the pedophile or am I the necrophile, zura?""

"Fakir, you need to get laid, zura."

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA, zura!"

"**FUCK YOU**, zura!"

"Rue, both flamingos and ravens suck, zura!!!"

**End, bwahahahahahahahahaha! (Yes I know Uzura is a girl, but sometimes she really does look like a boy O.o)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry for not updating Dirty Little Secret. I'm trying to squeeze in the other fics, since THEN I'll be stuck like gluw to DLS because of brain storming and school. Here it is!**

**Disclaimer : I do not own Princess Tutu at all**

**Warning : Major OOC, unsurprising**

Presenting : What Princess Tutu Characters would NEVER say

Now with : Edel!

"Got problems? Suck it up."

"Wanna buy a watch?" (opens up jacket)

"Help...me...the music box is glued to my **hands**..."

"I went to clown school when I was your age!"

"No way Imma burn my ass off fo you. Find your out way yourselves." (episode 13)

"I don't know why Drossylmeyer thinks I'm a hooker with so much make-up on. He made me like this!"

"Your face."

"Ignore the shotgun Ahiru, I put it in my jewelery box just in case thieves come by...or folks who don't pay enough money."

"Beware...THE BRITISH ARE COMING!"

"I need to contact my ex-boyfriend for child support. I can't raise Uzura myself without money can I?"

"Anyone seen my condoms? I left them in my jewelery box before selling another gem and...oh dear."

"I'm actually a sex puppet."

"I need to move out of this town, nothing but ravens and freaks." (smokes on cigarette)

"Ahiru, what is the problem?" (Ahiru tells her everything from when she's a duck till when Mytho's a raven) "Wow, sucks to be you."

"Would anyone like some cocaine...I mean, would anyone like some gems?" (looks around suspiciously)

**The End!**

**I might use Autor, Pique And Lilie but I'm not sure if I can think enough for them so the next chapter might be the last chapter. The last chapter is a surprise, not quite the normal previous chapters.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Well I decided to just end this with the last chapter. I know you must be saddedned by this truth! But the other people I were thining about couldn't make it up to 7 sentences. So they were a no-go.**

**Well you'll be confused unless I tell you the surprise.**

**Gather all these folks together and have them say things they would NEVER say.**

**Ta-daaaaaaaaaaaa!**

**Warning : OOC as the last chapter**

**Presenting**

**What Princess Tutu characters would NEVER Say, THE FINALE!**

Ahiru was having a wonderful day, why she even had new shoes! She thought everything would be going great... until she bumped into Fakir. Who bumped into Uzura...who bumped into Edel...who bumped into Rue, who bumped into Mytho, who bumped into Drossylmeyer, who finally bumped into the Monster Raven!!!

They all shouted the same thing.

"**SHOES**!"

"WHAT THE FUCK, ZURA?!"

"WHERE DID THE COCAINE GO!?!?...I mean...the GEMS!!!!"

"OH MY GAWD, WE'RE MISSING DAYS OF OUR LIVES!"

"Ahiru I'm so glad you're here...uh...you need to come with me, your...ehh...relative has been in an accident! Hurry, into the dark secluded alley!"

"...Yeah-huh...sure..."

Shouting the same thing? Well yes, that was a lie.

"KEEP AWAY FROM ME JERK-OFF!" Ahiru proceeded to kick Mytho in the stomach using her mad katate skills.

"Mytho! Get away from Ahiru you stalker!" Rue shouted without using caps.

"Don't call me that! I'm The artist formerly known as Prince." With that he gave a thumbs up to Uzura, who in turn gave him the middle finger.

"She's my wifey! Don't rape my wifey!" Fakir cried in a girlish manner.

"AHIRU I JUST LOVE YOUR SHOES!" Rue shouted using caps this time.

"WHERE DID YOU BUY THEM?!?!!??!" Fakir shouted as well, linking arms with his best friend Rue.

"...He is feminine like Tutu...hmmmmm..." muttered Rue, looking at Fakir suspiciously.

"RUUUE I LOVE YOUUUUUU." Mytho crooned, trying to grab Rue's chest. And Ahiru's, only she dropkicked him. Mytho remained on the ground muttering things about rape and world domination. And people call him a prince?

"DON'T TOUCH MY WIFEYS!!!" Fakir yelled, poking Mytho in the face. "Sides you get enough attention by me watching you sleep at night, silly!" Fakir smiled. Mytho cringed.

"What about the weddings!?!?!?" cried the Monster Raven

"Just like Sami's wedding to Lucas! How wonderful!" Drossylmeyer wiped a tear from his eye.

"They finally got married for real after the umpteenth time!"

"But what about EJ?"

"Oh, what does it matter? I can't even fit in a dress size 4 cause I'm so FAT!" The Monster Raven sobbed for a bit.

"...Why did I add you in the story again...? Still should have written a war story..."

"WHO ELSE WOULD WATCH SOAPS WITH YOU!"

"...Your right." Drossylmeyer noted. The two continued their discussion from that point.

Rue glanced at her father and was disgusted by how he was...a _raven_. So she proceeded to dye her hair pink.

"I'M A FLAMINGO **NOW**, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Rue ran around flipping her pink hair like crazy.

"DAUGHTER, DON'T FRIZZ IT TOO MUCH, HAIRSPRAY IS USELESS THESE DAYS, YOU CAN'T RELY ON THAT ANYMORE!" The Monster Raven called after her, but we all knnow she would not have listened.

"You guys are all nuts!" Ahiru stated, but nobody cared about their lack of sanity it seems.

Then Mr. Cat happened to be crossing by.

Everyone suddenly turned to him with a gleam in their eyes. Then they shouted the same thing.

"**MARRY ME**!!!"

This was not a lie this time.

"No! Half of you are my students! And...you other people are all pedophiles! I had 27 divorces, I don't need more to add on to the list!"

"...**MARRY ME ANYWAY**!" They all shouted, the gleam in their eyes remaining.

They all chased down poor Mr. Cat, who was humming 'Livin da Vida Loca' nonchalantly since he was always running away from fangirls...and boys, therefore used to it.

Edel and Uzura were only watching the madness.

"I think they ALL need to get laid, zura."

Edel nodded and looked disdainfully at the infuriating music box glued to her hands. Then she realized something.

"Dammit I think I sold another condom by mistake!!!" Edel scrambled through her box looking for it.

Uzura shook her head and sighed.

"If I wasn't going to kill everyone with my machine gun tomorrow anyway, I would have told her she needs to get laid too, zura..."

**THE END!**

**If it stunk, I apologize. Sequel? Not sure.**


End file.
